The

RETREAT CENTRE

for LONELY HERMITS

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Prospectus:

The basic practice consists of 'becoming one with the breath', while puffing vigorously on a Gauloises & simultaneously visualising that we are inhaling the suffering of all sentient beings in the form of black smoke.

Another method employed to experience the 'alaya-vijnana' (Sanskrit: ground or store consciousness, a state of no-thought) is to drink three-quarters of a bottle of cheap Scotch & then pass out.

Also practiced is the 'Transcendental Medication' technique, which involves overdosing on tranquilisers (easily obtainable from your G.P.), three times daily after meals.

milarepaGood (Small).jpg (38990 bytes)Like Milarepa, our patron & founder, we believe in central heating (Tibetan: Tumo) & our more advanced tantric practioners are often to be seen clad only in a flimsy cotton t-shirt sitting in full lotus position in front of the radiator.

Training can be given in so-called 'trance-walking' for students who have missed the last bus home from the pub.

Unfortunately, due to the degenerate conditions of this Dark Age, we have to insist on the use of condoms during the 'yab-yum' ritual. At present, there are more male than female candidates for initiation. (Ladies, please form an orderly queue at the door of the shrine room.)

Daily chanting is an integral part of the curriculum. Every student is expected to complete 100,000 'Money Pay Me's' (Skt.for 'cough up') while making the threatening fist mudra.

Our extensive cassette collection includes a complete set of the 100,000 Songs of Milarepa, all of which reached No1 in the Tibetan Top Ten.

Since all of us here (all one of us that is) are trainee Bodhisattvas, it is our avowed intent to benefit all sentient beings & perhaps the best way to do so is thru example......of what not to do. Though we cannot guarantee that any of the practices described above actually lead directly to Enlightenment, what we can confidently claim is that they don't.

Generosity is one of the 'perfections' (Skt.: paramitas) practiced by the aspirant Bodhisattva, so send your cash, cheques or postal orders here to enable us to continue our good work.

If you would like to receive our free newsletter & take part in our $64,000 prize draw, please make a standing order/ direct debit for all-you-can-afford payable to the swizz bank account of the Very Venal Devi Kong.*

wpe53072.gif (240440 bytes)RAVING REPORTER

Davy King (1993)

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OM MANI PEME HUNG

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"Do not believe in anything (simply) because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe in anything because it is spoken and rumoured by many.
Do not believe in anything (simply) because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
But after observation and analysis when you find that anything agrees with reason
and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all then accept it and live up to it."
- Lord Buddha, Kalama Sutta (Anguttara Nikaya Vol. 1, 188-193 P.T.S. Ed.)