Year of the Dog: 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, drinking.jpg (7301 bytes)

An epic shaggy-dog story in 365 lines...

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the Year of the Dog

is a son of a bitch

a scabby old mongrel

unless you're rich

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then it's a pedigree

Foxhound pup

lapping champagne

from a stirrup-cup


but God help the Communist

who flogs


Running Dogs


report him

to the R.S.P.C.A.

put him in the doghouse

is what I say


'cos a dog is loyal

a dog is true

it's a man's best friend

& a woman's too


dogs are helpful

dogs are kind

they lick your face

& guide the blind


they pee on lamposts

round up sheep

& lie doggo

in a heap


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dogs are useful

in so many ways

for instance huskies

will pull sleighs


stbernardsmall.gif (15088 bytes)a St Bernard dog

can be very handy

if you have

a taste for brandy



dogs have yet

to meet their match

when it comes to keeping

up to scratch


naturally dogs

have a few bad habits

like running off

& chasing rabbits


hairs on the carpet

can be quite revolting

especially if

your dog is moulting


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tend to end up soggy

carried in the mouth

of your faithful doggy



small price to pay

if you ask me

except of course

for the licence fee


that doggy in the window

without the wagging tail

is going dog-cheap

in the summer sale


it's just like the one

in the Dulux ad

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a present for the kiddies

from mum & dad


but when the dog

begins to grow

it's left abandoned

in the snow


lock it in the pound

with the waifs & strays

hope it gets collected

within seven days


to British kids

a dog's a bow-wow

to Chinese children

it's a chow-chow


but call it pooch

or mangy cur

even flea-bitten


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a dog's a dog

for aw that

& better than any

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yes I'd much rather

have a doggy

than any mincing

miaowing moggy


nice dogs woof

mad dogs howl

sad ones whimper

guard dogs growl


who said its bark

is worse than its bite

ask a once-bitten postman

if that's right


terrible terriers

terrorise their territory

but man bites dog

makes a better story


it'll want to test its teeth

on anything to chew

so give a dog a dogbowlbone.gif (1475 bytes) bone 

don't let it get your shoe


though it begs for scraps

from your dinner plate

impatient dogs

should learn to wait


let it eat leftovers

don't feed it from a tin

it'll only get fed-up

& burgle from the bin


it'll stuff itself

like a greedy hog

collapse on the carpet

& be sick as a dog


it'll drink as much water

as it can guzzle

& dog eats dog

so buy a muzzle

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butchers that sell dogmeat

could make a lot of cash

retailing Sausage dogs

for Bangers & Mash


wouldn't like to be

an Afghan hound

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with those damned Russians (1982)  OR   Yankee rednecks (2006) Plus ša change!

roaming around


the British Bulldog

was a fearsome sight

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it's a dying breed now

in a sorry plight


some dogs are white

some are black

others have a yellow streak

down their back


red dogs brown dogs

dogs of many hues

big dogs small dogs

you can pick & choose


good dogs go walkies

when they're told

bad dogs refuse

to be controlled


dogs like people

are idiosyncratic

that's my PET theory

but I'm being DOGmatic


most dogs love

a belly-rub

but are not so fond

of the scrubbing tub


when dogs swim

they do the doggy-paddle

piddle in the water

& skedaddle


they just shake themselves

if they're soaking wet

they know nothing

about etiquette


dogs aren't inhibited

they'll shake paws with anyone

they're not afraid to cock a leg

& have some fun


Rin Tin Tin

was a canny mutt

but didn't indulge

in any smut


Bonzo Snoopy

Fido Rex

are not averse

to a bit of sex


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have you seen that Lassie

when she's in heat

she's the finest fucking female            

on four feet


it does however

appear Queer

how dogs enter

at the rear


doggies of the world


share that bone

no need to fight


in former times

they used to say

that every dog

would have its day


they have the whole year

 they've got the whole year

  in 2006

  & those young dogs

  will learn old tricks

in 2030    

somehow doubt

that they'll play dirty


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you can't teach an old dog

new tricks they say

but I'm gonna try

the Woodhouse way

I guarantee

that I can train

miniature Poodle

& Great Dane

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Great Dane sitting2.jpg (29234 bytes)

Beagle Mastiff

& AlsatianDalmatian dog2.jpg (31692 bytes)

Irish Wolfhound

or Dalmation


Chihuahua Collie

Cocker Spaniel

any wet-nosed wagger

in the Dog-Lover's Manual


I don't care

you name the breed

I'll put the bugger

on a lead


I'll ring a bell

like Pavlov did

& drooling dog

will do as bid

my performing dogs

will be stars of the circus

they'll ride unicycles

& dance Mazurkas

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at the moment

I'm teaching my dogs to heel

if they get it wrong

they miss a meal


Kennel Dog Leash      (Kenny Dalglish, famous Scottish footballer?!)

is ace at football

fetches sticks

comes when you call


but it's no use commanding

your dog to SIT

if you've got a lisp

he'll think you said SHIT


& just when it's done

a steaming jobby

on Her Majesty's footpath

up will come a local Bobby


this stern representative

of the Law

will put a handcuff

on your poor pet's paw


the judge will denounce

the dirty dog's ways

& bind it over

for thirty days


polite police dogs

German shepherd walking 1.jpg (3696 bytes)leave no excrement

as they track down felons

by their scent


rude dogs meeting

with their chums

in greeting sniff

each other's bums


when doggies smell

in the other sense

it's likely to

cause some offense


although it's a dumb

unfeeling brute

its sense of hearingdogears.jpg (15508 bytes)

is acute


high-pitched sounds

we cannot hear

are audible

to canine ear


if their ears

are large & floppy

chances are

they'll act all soppy


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with their drooping jowls

& mournful eyes

these clown-philosophers

look quite wise



some have noble heads

some have hangdog features

they really are the most

paraDOGSical of creatures


my dogs are beauties

but I wouldn't let them go

degrading themselves

at Cruft's Dog Show


a dog that stands there panting

with its tongue hanging out

is no doubt nowt

but an ill-bred lout


if your dog's nose

is never wet

make an appointment

with the vet


your little whelp

could well have worms


or some doggy germs


puppies require


randy dogs

invite castration


the RoyalRoyalcorgi.gif (5175 bytes)Corgis

may bite babies

Beware Diana      (in 1982 not everyone revered the then living princess)

there's a risk of rabies

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the King Charles Spaniel

is a dog that's born to lead

it's the kind of dog

that people in this country need


wog dogs must go

into Quarantine

it's a dog's life

if you know what I mean


let sleeping dogs lie

or they may get riled

your domesticated wolf

still dreams of running wild



I wouldn't send a dog out

on a night like this

unless I thought it needed

to take a piss


Scotty Dogs in winter

wear tartan coats

& Hibs United scarves     (Scottish Football team)

tied round their throats


I sport a dogs-tooth check

look like a dog's dinner

ain't got no dog collar

I'm a sinner


I'm lazy as a lap dog

like to sleep all day

sitting on some lady's knee

or like a puppy play


I'm a low-down worthless dog

I've gone to the dogs alright

I get up to some dog-tricks

late at night


in this neck of the woods

I've got a dog's chance

I'll do the dog-gone dogtrot

do you want to dance


come home to my kennel

have a chat      (chat=French for cat!)

we could talk in husky voices

& chew the fat


but this pretty pussy

can smell danger

she declines my offer

like a dog in the manger


perhaps I'm barking

up the wrong tree

no dog-lovers

fall for me


my dogged advances

are undesired

my tail's between my legs

I feel dog-tired


I'll curl up in my basket

& sleep like a loghot dog plain2.jpg (13383 bytes)

in the morning I'll breakfast

on a cold hot dog


maybe I'll change

my name to Rover

have a hair of the dog

for my hangover


going round in circles

to no avail

the Year of the Dog

is chasing its tail


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24th Anniversary Edition

(written 1982, updated 2006)

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Year of the Dog: the MOVIE!

The Magic Bone

Dog photos

Other Animals

That Feline Feeling




Get your very own DOG T-SHIRT

(& Support this Site)

NEW: Year of the Dog products - a wide range available here

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Lots of PRACTICAL & FUN items

Every purchase supports this site - please help!

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Other ways to support this site...

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Also published as CD-ROM (ISBN: 0-9550199-1-5), featuring text, video, audio & some 'extras':

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