Here's a little routine I used to perform, before I got done for Arson....
I dont wish to make any inflammatory speeches, but Id just like to say a few words in smoke signals. (Lights fag, blows smoke.) If there are any Sioux Indians in the audience, I must apologise for my pronunciation.
Id say more but Im trying to give up smoking. Well, theres no smoke without fire, so they say, & its funny I should mention that, cos Ive been taking a course in Fire-eating for Beginners. Lesson One was rubbing two sticks together. One bright spark set the room on fire.
Now Ive graduated to safety matches. Soon Ill be attempting advanced techniques with the flame-thrower and Napalm. Thats haute cuisine for fire-eaters. But I dont want to show off or give anyone an inferiority-complex, so Ill stick to Swan Vestas. Itll be my swansong in case I accidentally incinerate myself.
Of course, Ill make it look easy, but Ive had a long hard apprenticeship fraught with all the usual sort of mishaps. You know: first-degree burns, the fire-brigade. I still occasionally suffer from Heart-burn.
Yes, I thought chillies were hot till I discovered fire-eating. But its one way to keep warm in winter a bit more exciting than thermal underwear.
The trouble is Ive got addicted. I think nothing of knocking back eight pints of pink paraffin in an evening. And they say it leads onto the hard stuff like lighter fuel.
Anyway, Im sure youre not here to listen to me talk. Youve come to see the action & if its fire-eating you want, its fire-eating youll get. I may not swallow much of a conflagration but its quality not quantity. So, without further ado, let the Pyrotechnics begin!
(Tries to strike several matches. Fails.)
Can I have a light, please?
(Beautiful Assistant strikes match, while performer sips water from glass. Coughs, splutters, douses match with mouthful of water.)