RAVING REPORTER

The QUICK & PAINLESS WAY to DIE

Handy Hints

On Facing Your Own Bereavement Without Dismay

Why not DIE LAUGHING? Yes, SHAKE in uncontrollable mirth. ROLL about the floor guffawing till you hear the sweet parting music of that old death-RATTLE gurgling in your throat like the sound a baby makes. Sweet. When it comes to shuffling off that mortal coil (& it comes to us all, mate), there's no finer or funnier way to go. Meet Your Maker in the Merriest Manner. It's fun, it's cheap & above all it's final.

First, you'll need a Sense of Humour. Being Human, this is usually provided in the Basic Survival Kit.  It's that elusive Seventh Sense that comes after the other six (Senses of the Ridiculous & the Absurd are optional extras.) But, please note, batteries are NOT included. You will have to recharge it yourself from time to time. If you are at all eco-conscious, you could use solar-power & just go & sunbathe when it stops raining. But avoid too much exposure to harmful Comic rays, U.V.L. in particular. L.U.V. is much safer.

Anyway, then just turn it on & try to See the Funny Side of Things. A Distorting Mirror may prove useful. Also, it helps if your Fancy is a wee bit Ticklish. There are Funny Sides to most things, especially polygons. Jokes about dead parrots seem to be very popular for some reason, as do ones about poorly pollys with nausea. Be thankful that there are so many causes of genuine hilarity in this life. Sick jokes, old jokes, jokes that have seen better days, jokes on their last legs, jokes that are to all appearances stone-cold dead, even necrophilia jokes. Bad jokes, wicked ones, real killers, jokes whose perpetrators should  burn in hellfire if there were any justice in the world. Puns are the worst, & the worst ones never bested. Avoid them like the plague or ague, or they'll take you away in a straightjacket babbling incoherently, you'll be diagnosed clinically-insane, locked in a longstay ward or your very own personal & private padded cell or hell where you can dribble away all day to your heart's content, live on a diet of mood-altering drugs, hysterical but alive, which is not the object of the exercise. Or, of course, & this is more likely, you may just GROAN & that sounds painful, not a pleasant experience at all.

The truly fortunate are able to dispense with artificial aids altogether & just laugh at themselves. They are their own best joke. Talk about a great big belly-laugh. The more eccentric & extravert among them wear clown-costumes & go around with  red noses. They daren't look in the bathroom mirror, creases them up. Two mirrors are twice as bad, they double-up. The danger is they may require emergency surgery & end up in stitches. Premature death by asphyxiation on your own wit is not compulsory.

So, take a look at your life. There should be plenty to laugh about. It isn't all Doom & Gloom, is it? OK it is then. Let's face it some people are just born miserable. They wouldn't recognize Happiness if it came up to them, shook their hand & said 'Hi, my name is Joy, would you like a nice relaxing massage, or perhaps there's something else I could do for you. Keep Smiling. Have a Nice Day. Have you heard the one about...' If you're one of those sort of people, who just wallow in hapless hopelessness, refuse to see a single silver lining when the worst that's likely to happen to you is that you'll get wet, well, quite frankly, I recommend Euthanasia. EXIT this way. Death I would imagine would come as blessed relief to the likes of such a moaning-minny, party-pooper, spoil-sport, & alliterative-arsehole. What's the matter with you, did you fall & break your funny bone?

Look at it this way, Death is the final knockout punchline in a long & tedious joke of dubious taste. The anticipation is exquisitely delicious. You can hardly wait for that voice that drones on & on to cease forever. The moment you've been waiting for when you can leave all the shit of your life behind (tho please try to wipe your arse afore ye go, it's not fair to bequeath that task to the nurse.) So, like, you needn't have worried & fretted so much after all, if this is what it finally comes to. All's Well that Ends Well & all that.

DIE LAUGHING? It can be done, or otherwise where does the phrase originate? You could give it a damn good try you know. Your very best shot. Why not? Die laughing or die in the attempt. Nothing to lose. You'll die anyway. That's what's so funny about this whole Life business. You just can't take it that seriously anymore. So, lighten up a little, won't you? It's not the end of the world you know. Well, it is, but you won't be there to worry about it. Might as well just laugh it all off. Ha!

So, have a hoot, be cock-a-hoop, & cock-a-snook at that old Grim Reaper fella. Misery-guts. Why doesn't he cheer up? Take a peek in Death's Jest Book. What a scream, you'll shriek with laughter. Death, what is that stink? Did someone just let R.I.P.? Grin, Reaper. Yes, you can cheek Death. It won't do you  any good of course. You still won't be immortal, but you may be immoral.

Do you think it's mere co-incidence that skulls are always grinning? They finally got the Joke (you have to make allowances, they're a bit slow, it's the rigor mortis you know, can't move the facial muscles.)

Anyway, you see, the sting in the tale is that Death isn't such a prick after all. The Twist is Death's a Joker. The skull's a mask, the skeleton is painted on. The Cloak with the Hood, the Scythe & Hourglass are just in jest. It's an elaborate charade to wind you up. It turns out that he's got a penchant (& a paunch) for fancy-dress.

Trick or Treat.

At this point it's traditional to laugh & slam the door in D's face. Tell him to come back next Hallowe'en  when if he's lucky, you might have some change. If that doesn't work, & He can be a bit like a Jehovah's Witness or a door-to-door Life Insurance & Personal Pension Plan Salesman at times, then just humour him, play along with the gag, enter into the spirit of things. You'll soon be in Seventh Heaven.

When all else fails, you've got to laugh. It might even give you a new lease of Life.

RAVING REPORTER

Davy King

Fun at the Funeral

Skeleton Man

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