the Year of the Dog
is a son of a bitch
a scabby old mongrel
unless you're rich
then it's a pedigree
Foxhound pup
lapping champagne
from a stirrup-cup
but God help the Communist
who flogs
Running Dogs
report him
to the R.S.P.C.A.
put him in the doghouse
is what I say
'cos a dog is loyal
a dog is true
it's a man's best friend
& a woman's too
dogs are helpful
dogs are kind
they lick your face
& guide the blind
they pee on lamposts
round up sheep
& lie doggo
in a heap
dogs are useful
in so many ways
for instance huskies
will pull sleighs
a St Bernard dog
can be very handy
if you have
a taste for brandy
dogs have yet
to meet their match
when it comes to keeping
up to scratch
naturally dogs
have a few bad habits
like running off
& chasing rabbits
hairs on the carpet
can be quite revolting
especially if
your dog is moulting
newspapers
tend to end up soggy
carried in the mouth
of your faithful doggy
small price to pay
if you ask me
except of course
for the licence fee
that doggy in the window
without the wagging tail
is going dog-cheap
in the summer sale
it's just like the one
in the Dulux ad
a present for the kiddies
from mum & dad
but when the dog
begins to grow
it's left abandoned
in the snow
lock it in the pound
with the waifs & strays
hope it gets collected
within seven days
to British kids
a dog's a bow-wow
to Chinese children
it's a chow-chow
but call it pooch
or mangy cur
scavenger
a dog's a dog
for aw that
god-damned cat
yes I'd much rather
have a doggy
than any mincing
miaowing moggy
nice dogs woof
mad dogs howl
sad ones whimper
guard dogs growl
who said its bark
is worse than its bite
ask a once-bitten postman
if that's right
terrible terriers
terrorise their territory
but man bites dog
makes a better story
it'll want to test its teeth
on anything to chew
so give a dog a
bone
don't let it get your shoe
though it begs for scraps
from your dinner plate
impatient dogs
should learn to wait
let it eat leftovers
don't feed it from a tin
it'll only get fed-up
& burgle from the bin
it'll stuff itself
like a greedy hog
collapse on the carpet
& be sick as a dog
it'll drink as much water
as it can guzzle
& dog eats dog
so buy a muzzle
butchers that sell dogmeat
could make a lot of cash
retailing Sausage dogs
for Bangers & Mash
wouldn't like to be
an Afghan hound
with those damned Russians (1982) OR Yankee rednecks (2006) Plus ça change!
roaming around
the British Bulldog
it's a dying breed now
in a sorry plight
some dogs are white
some are black
others have a yellow streak
down their back
red dogs brown dogs
dogs of many hues
big dogs small dogs
you can pick & choose
good dogs go walkies
when they're told
bad dogs refuse
to be controlled
dogs like people
are idiosyncratic
that's my PET theory
but I'm being DOGmatic
most dogs love
a belly-rub
but are not so fond
of the scrubbing tub
when dogs swim
they do the doggy-paddle
piddle in the water
& skedaddle
they just shake themselves
if they're soaking wet
they know nothing
about etiquette
dogs aren't inhibited
they'll shake paws with anyone
they're not afraid to cock a leg
& have some fun
Rin Tin Tin
was a canny mutt
but didn't indulge
in any smut
Bonzo Snoopy
Fido Rex
are not averse
to a bit of sex
have you seen that Lassie
when she's in heat
she's the finest fucking female
on four feet
it does however
appear Queer
how dogs enter
at the rear
doggies of the world
unite
share that bone
no need to fight
in former times
they used to say
that every dog
would have its day
they have the whole year
they've got the whole year in 2006
& those young dogs
will learn old tricks
in 2030
somehow doubt
that they'll play dirty
you can't teach an old dog
new tricks they say
but I'm gonna try
the Woodhouse way
I guarantee
that I can train
miniature Poodle
& Great Dane
Beagle Mastiff
& Alsatian
Irish Wolfhound
or Dalmation
Chihuahua Collie
Cocker Spaniel
any wet-nosed wagger
in the Dog-Lover's Manual
I don't care
you name the breed
I'll put the bugger
on a lead
I'll ring a bell
like Pavlov did
& drooling dog
will do as bid
will be stars of the circus
they'll ride unicycles
& dance Mazurkas
at the moment
I'm teaching my dogs to heel
if they get it wrong
they miss a meal
Kennel Dog Leash (Kenny Dalglish, famous Scottish footballer?!)
is ace at football
fetches sticks
comes when you call
but it's no use commanding
your dog to SIT
if you've got a lisp
& just when it's done
a steaming jobby
on Her Majesty's footpath
up will come a local Bobby
this stern representative
of the Law
will put a handcuff
on your poor pet's paw
the judge will denounce
the dirty dog's ways
& bind it over
for thirty days
polite police dogs
leave no excrement
as they track down felons
by their scent
rude dogs meeting
with their chums
in greeting sniff
each other's bums
when doggies smell
in the other sense
it's likely to
cause some offense
although it's a dumb
unfeeling brute
its sense of hearing
is acute
high-pitched sounds
we cannot hear
are audible
to canine ear
if their ears
are large & floppy
chances are
they'll act all soppy
with their drooping jowls
& mournful eyes
these clown-philosophers
look quite wise
some have noble heads
some have hangdog features
they really are the most
paraDOGSical of creatures
my dogs are beauties
but I wouldn't let them go
degrading themselves
at Cruft's Dog Show
a dog that stands there panting
with its tongue hanging out
is no doubt nowt
but an ill-bred lout
if your dog's nose
is never wet
make an appointment
with the vet
your little whelp
could well have worms
distemper
or some doggy germs
puppies require
inoculation
randy dogs
invite castration
may bite babies
Beware Diana (in 1982 not everyone revered the then living princess)
there's a risk of rabies
the King Charles Spaniel
is a dog that's born to lead
it's the kind of dog
that people in this country need
wog dogs must go
into Quarantine
it's a dog's life
if you know what I mean
let sleeping dogs lie
or they may get riled
still dreams of running wild
I wouldn't send a dog out
on a night like this
unless I thought it needed
to take a piss
wear tartan coats
& Hibs United scarves (Scottish Football team)
tied round their throats
I sport a dogs-tooth check
look like a dog's dinner
ain't got no dog collar
I'm a sinner
sitting on some lady's knee
or like a puppy play
I'm a low-down worthless dog
I've gone to the dogs alright
I get up to some dog-tricks
late at night
in this neck of the woods
I've got a dog's chance
I'll do the dog-gone dogtrot
do you want to dance
come home to my kennel
have a chat (chat=French for cat!)
we could talk in husky voices
& chew the fat
but this pretty pussy
can smell danger
she declines my offer
like a dog in the manger
perhaps I'm barking
up the wrong tree
no dog-lovers
fall for me
my dogged advances
are undesired
my tail's between my legs
I feel dog-tired
I'll curl up in my basket
& sleep like a log
in the morning I'll breakfast
on a cold hot dog
maybe I'll change
my name to Rover
have a hair of the dog
for my hangover
to no avail
the Year of the Dog
is chasing its tail
DAVY KING
24th Anniversary Edition
(written 1982, updated 2006)
(& Support this Site)
NEW: Year of the Dog products - a wide range available here
Lots of PRACTICAL & FUN items
Every purchase supports this site - please help!
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Also published as CD-ROM (ISBN: 0-9550199-1-5), featuring text, video, audio & some 'extras':
your domesticated wolf
